“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” (Matthew 13:44) Wow is always my response when I read this tiny one sentence parable containing so much truth. I always wondered how do you cultivate this attitude of pursuing the kindgom of heaven–this single minded mindset. For years my inability to focus and pull myself away from the world inside my head is poisonous. My state of mind to run to my little world to cope drags me away and destroys me in the physical realm. Tidy, little ends of my life unravel as new responsibilities are coming into full view and in the scheme of things if I do not responsibly and with gratuitous care and effort set forth to accomplish theses obligations; then the entirety of my life has come to a point of sheer disappointment and disgrace.

I want to do better. I do. But I am unsure if I am wanting what I want hard enough. Am’ I wanting to be free from idolatry more than I love the thrill and hypnotizing flow of music? Am’I tired of always being anxious and feeling like I always have to please and satisfy people?

And at the beginning of every question is the word, “How?” How is a question word used to demonstrate an evolution of thought or a desire to take a step forward in the process of continual growth, and/or how is a word used to evaluate a process. I am happy to know in my heart I no longer complain and always question God’s reasons saying, “Why me? Why this?” I’m glad I matured enough to connect the dots, and string together the pieces that seemed out of place in my life, which are now making sense.

A great truth I have realized fall 2015 is what God wants for me is absolutely the best path for my life. God is all knowing. He knows everything. There is never going to be another person who knows more than Him. His infinite mind has already considered the endless possibilities my life could take and He lives by this function keep Tory (or insert your name) as close to me and spiritually matured as possible. Thereby God consulted no one else lest His Spirit, the Spirit of God confirming this is the arrangement for her. This is the line in which she should walk to experience oneness and intimacy with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

Now, I do not question “why,” and lately my “when-s” have been dwindling as well, all things happen in God’s time. His timing is perfect. I know God loves me it is hard to believe but I know. I want so much to be in heaven or sometimes, I always wanted to tell someone everything in my heart. I never had someone I can divulge all my deepest thoughts, provoking life questions to. My friends though we have had intellectually conversations and even spiritual it is not the same as having life changing conversations the kind, which leads to sincere revelations about the Most High. Needless to say my heart and mind are always full of questions.

Most importantly, how can I be like the man who gave up everything? I want this man’s heart more than anything. He believes the treasure, the kingdom of God is the greatest jewel ever to be found. I want this joy, this peace, and his heart. Oh Lord create in me a pure heart, a willing and noble spirit.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalms 51:10)